on traveling with a spouse

My family and I are super experts at road trips.  We started with pillows and radio surfing (...this was before iPods...) and now we don't need pillows, we don't taunt each other (much), and no one asks "How many more miiinuuuteess?"  Each winter we make a journey to a place to snowboard or ski, which means at least 12 hours of driving time each direction.  Most years, it's 16.  That's a lot of car time, folks.

This Christmas was the second time the hubz has come back to my hometown with me (the first was as a boyfriend -- THAT was exciting), and I think I feel qualified enough to share a few ideas for easier travel with the spouse.

1.  Travel in the same car. Honestly, it's good to be forced into close company.  It's good bonding, it's good family time, everyone gets a chance to rotate seats, and you get to know each other in a whole new way.  Mostly, it's just a good fun.  

2.  Maintain your caffeine and food schedules.  This seems silly, right?  Every person in my family has a caffeine habit. Coffee is considered the Nectar of the Gods at my parents' house.  When one person doesn't get their regular Nectar, things could get rather touchy rather quickly.  There is also such an emotion as "hangry."  Hungry + moodyfrombeinghungry = hangry.  Both you and spouse do better with regular food and regular legal addictive stimulants. So do siblings. Usually.

3.  Set aside together time. Without family. Just you two.  It's nice, trust me. Sitting in front of the tv having coffee counts.  So does shooting each other in Halo.  As long as it's time to be together without having to share.  

4.  Don't panic. You like each other. 

xoxo Susannah

date!

Two weeks ago, hubby and I went on a new adventure date.  Do any of you other newlyweds try and find creative date ideas?  Well, I do.  I enjoy going on new adventures, and so does the mister.  It only makes sense to go on adventures together.

The most recent adventure was to a colonial farm! 

I wrote a little more about it here.

Have any other creative adventure date idea?

xoxo Susannah

On loving a mad scientist.

I married a mad scientist.

I mean, I knew this when we got married.

But certain nights it hits home more than others.

Father Octavian [about the Doctor]: Dr. Song, I've lost good clerics today. You trust this man?

River: I absolutely trust him.

Father Octavian: He's not some kind of madman, then?

River: [pause] I absolutely trust him.

Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, you don't want to get into it with Sheldon. The guy is one lab accident away from being a supervillain. 

I mean, in my husband's case, he's one lab accident/discovery away from being Iron Man not The Joker, but the point remains.

Oh my mad scientist. How I love you.

Wait you're moving into a studio?!

This was the reaction of pretty much everyone we knew after we told them our moving plans. Even after we explained all the perks of the apartment: spacious, lovely deck, good location; they would still almost universally shake their heads, and say "I could never live in a studio with my significant other"
Which is fair. I can't really live with anybody other than Anthony,  no matter how big the apartment. (I am a TERRIBLE roomate) But we did have some pretty good reasons about why we moved, and why we're excited about our new cute studio that we thought we'd share.

Sarah's list of reasons why I'm glad we're out of our old apartment:

1. There were mice. A lot of them. We estimate that we killed at least 20 in the year we lived there.
2. Our old apartment was wicked expensive. Between the utilities and the rent, it was eating up a ton of money. Our new apartment? So affordable I almost feel bad telling other people what the rent is. And it's cute!
3. Our neighbors were...colorful.
4. We couldn't walk anywhere, except to the metro stop.
4a. The area was kind of gritty. Used car lots, loud music on the street, no trees, broken glass on the sidewalk.
5. It never really felt like our "home". While I didn't realize this until we moved into our new place, our apartment just never really felt like us.
6. Our dryer NEVER dried clothes the first time around. This might sound minor, but it jacked up our electric bills like no one's business.
7. Iron spiral staircases look super cool, but when you're half awake in the morning, walking down them is not so fun. Also, I found excuses to not go up or downstairs. I.e. I'd be upstairs, need something downstairs and ask Anthony to get it for me.
8.Our walls were paper thin. I got way more intimately acquainted with our neighbors personal life then I was comfortable with.
9. Our landlord was not responsive at all. We were once locked out of our apartment for almost 3 hours, because the service people had locked a lock we didn't have a working key to. (Oh yeah, we didn't have a working key to our deadbolt for the first 6 months we lived there.) We finally called--and paid for--a locksmith ourselves.
10. Mice. Everywhere. I realize I've said this once but it bears repeating. The mice figured out how to climb things so in addition to there being mice everywhere; there were mice droppings everywhere. Gross.

Sarah: Why I'm glad we moved to our new place:

1. Our deck is fabulous.
2. I feel so much more at home here. I call this the "Hippy, crunchy, mom's with strollers" part of the city. If you know where I went to college you know why this makes me happy. :)
3. Our apartment, while tiny, feels like us. It feels like a home. Which I didn't even realize I was missing until we moved.

Anthony's Top 6 Reasons Our Last Place Sucked
6. The neighborhood was on the edge of a very seedy part of the city.
5. Living near a metro stop, and only a metro stop, does not solve your city transportation issues.
4. Our building neighbors matched our 'hood (the very edge of seedy).
3. We had our property stolen from a "locked" garage.
2. Building management were easy to reach, but often slow to address our requests.
1. The literal mice infestation. And the worst part was I was sure they were nesting in the adjacent apartment.

Anthony's Top 6 Reasons Our New Place Rocks
6. We live in a lively, walkable part of the city.
5. I can now ride my bike to work.
4. We have a deck... Labor Day BBQ anyone?
3. Our landlord is an awesomely chill guy (e.g. he stopped by on a Saturday to replace some lightbulbs)
2. We have built in wall bike racks in building entryway.
1. We can live really comfortably without AC thanks to our wall-to-wall windows and two amazing ceiling fans. edit: He's not joking. There's maybe been 2 days since we moved that I've escaped to the library for air conditioning. 

On Name Changing.

No two ways about it.
This is a toughie.

I always thought I would change my name when I got married. Never even crossed my mind to consider othewise. When I would mention how difficult it was going to be to decide which names to keep (I have two middle names) when I changed my name, people would always say "Well, you can just keep your name" and I would say "No, I want to change it."

And I do. I can not stress that point enough. I love my husband, and I want to be Mrs. Hislastname.

And yet.

I haven't done it.

Legally changed my name I mean.

I didn't realize how attached I was to being Sarah French until I was about to give it up.

I mean, for one thing roughly half of the people I met during college still call me "Sarah French". I have never been Sarah, always Sarah French. I'm not even entirely sure how it came about, but it did stick. And while I realize changing my name isn't likely to change what they call me, it still resonated with me.

Also, (and I'm playing couch pyschologist now aren't you pschyed?!) it took me a really really long time to be happy with who I was. It took me a long time to like myself. And my name was part of that, and is still a part of me. Perhaps on some level, it feels like regression. Like taking my husband's last name (which is unquestionably prettier and more exotic then mine) is saying that I didn't like who I was, and was waiting for him to change me into someone I do like.

This is coming out badly, excuse me.

I guess it boils down to identity. And what I didn't realize was how much I idenitfy who I am with "Sarah French". I've been Sarah French for 26 years. That name has taken me to foreign countries, survived heartache I thought I would never recover from, saw both my parents go through major life threatening illness, and been shouted by friends (in both joy and not joy) more times then I can count.

And while I know intellectually that just because my name is changing it isn't changing who I am (let's get real, it's just a name, and if you met me during college, chances are good you're going to be calling me "SarahFrench" for the rest of our lives) it feels...big. Like it does mean I'm becoming someone brand new. Which is kind of fun, and kind of scary. Like I said, it took me a long long time to like who I am.

But after this weekend, I just feel a kind of peace about it. It's time. I'm ready.

And I finally came up with a solution about my myriad of name that makes me happy. Which is probably a large part of it too.

But if you ever address mail to me "Mrs. Anthony Hislastname" I might send it back to you.

Cause dude. I am "Sarah French Hislastname". Not an appendage.

Edit: I'm still working on the paperwork. But hey. At least I'm working on it?

The Moving Saga part 1

That sounds like the beginning of some epic adventure story right?

Well...the husband and I have had a pretty epic move this time.

Let me begin.

It all starts back in June/July when your lovely red-headed heroine was desperately searching for a new apartment.* The need was great, the specifications were bountiful.

Time wore on and our red-head and her partner in crime saw more apartments then they could count. And like the princess and the pea, all were rejected. "The carpet is ugly" "It's too small"** "Too expensive".

And then...our heroine and her partner found the perfect place. Good price, lovely hardwood floors, a gas stove.

Half a day later, an e-mail was sent.

Someone had taken the apartment on the spot a few hours prior.

Much teeth gnashing and a few tears.

And then...the grand and glorious studio.

It was perfect! Hardwood floors, amazing rent, and oh a deck!

"We must have it!" cried our heroine. Her partner agreed.

Then the But....

They could not move in until 10 days after their current lease ended.

"We'll find a solution! I can't look at apartments for one more second!"

And now....you're pretty much caught up to speed.

Tune in tomorrow when part 2 of our saga is posted!

*The husband was helping, but as the half with more pecularities about where I live and more time, I spearheaded the search.
**Seriously, some of these "one bedrooms" were probably half the size of the new studio we are moving into. I could barely open some of the doors.

when you don't have time

As some of you may know, the hubby and I don't get as much time together as most newlyweds. He works mostly evenings, and I work "typical" office hours during the day. I'm up early, he's home late. He used to be guaranteed Sundays off, but these days it seems like he never gets them, so there are no days in the week that we both have off at the same time.

However, I'm not throwing a pityparty.  This is what we have now and we're making it work.

In light of that, a few suggestions on spending time together when you don't have time, and making the most of what you have:

1.  Be awake. When the mister gets home after midnight, I do my best most nights to stay awake and wait up.  "That's crazy!" you say.  Well, yes. I'm up early for my own job, so why would I stay up until 1am?  The answer: because if I don't, we won't see each other. Hubby does the same; he wakes up for 10-15 minutes with me in the mornings before I head off to work, then falls promptly back to sleep.  If we weren't awake, we wouldn't get any time together. It'll make you tired, but for us, it's worth it.  And you know what? That's why God invented coffee. And weekends. And naps.

2.  Be present.  If you're only getting limited time together, you should be fully invested when you do get time.  Sitting and watching a movie is fantastic, but if you completely ignore each other all evening just to relax, you've let hours slip by that you can't get back. If you both happen to be home and need some time together, maybe the dishes or cleaning the bathroom or doing the laundry can wait.

3.  Make time. Can't say this enough.  If you want to see someone, make the time. Write it down, send text messages, create a schedule, brainstorm date night ideas, whatever it takes.

4.  Communicate.  Seems silly, right? Of course you're going to communicate. Well, when you don't see someone, communication becomes more...screen-based: texts, gchat, email, phone, etc. It's not very fun (compared to face-to-face), but it's important.  Not speaking to your spouse all day, every day, isn't going to work out well.  Gentlemen, she won't like it and I doubt you will, either. And, no, seeing someone for 20 minutes a day is not enough communication.  Found this out really quickly.  For us, the 10 minutes in the morning that he can be awake and the 20 minutes in the evening before I doze off are not enough. Thus the importance of...

5. Date nights! Or date days. Or lunch dates. Or whatever works. Just do it. It's worth it.

I know not all of you have the same dilemmas we face.  Many married couples see each other every night and all weekend and are in the opposite boat of trying to make time for friends.  But for those of us who face opposite work schedules, I hope our ideas help! We're still learning, so if you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them!

xoxo Susannah

On marriage.

Marriage is hard.
I say this a lot.
And it's not because I don't love my husband. I love him to death. He makes me giddy, and happy and he makes me feel so so loved. I think he might be the most amazing man I've ever known.
And I say that marriage is hard a lot (especially to my single, longing to be married friends) because I feel like it's important to be honest about marriage. There's still a perception that getting married is a fairy tale. That once your married your life is fun and romantic and giggly and just fantastic.
And parts of it (most of it even!)are.
But parts of it are days where the love of my life annoys the hell out of me.

So we're learning.

We're learning to fight cleanly.
Sometimes that means biting my tongue and NOT saying the witty but incredibly mean remark that pops into my head.

We're learning to fight openly.
Sometimes that means venting my emotions at him. We both yelled the other day in the car. This is remarkable because we try very hard to never yell at each other, and are mostly successful. It's important to fight cleanly, yes. But sometimes you can't be calm and clear. Sometimes, you just have to let your frustration out.

We're learning that making each other laugh during fights is the best thing in the world.
Oftentimes when we're arguing one of us will do something ridiculous or just veer off into another topic entirely. I'm sure it wouldn't work for most couples. But for us? It helps.

We're learning to be in close proximity, and touching, during fights.
It is very very hard for me to be mad at my husband when I'm holding his hand or hugging him. It takes away the anger and just leaves the issue.

But mainly we're practicing forgiveness. We fight sure, but two to five minutes after the fight, my husband has cracked a joke or I've said something wildly inappropriate and we're back to being us. Which to me, is what it's all about.

You're going to fight. It's normal. You live with this person, you have sex with this person*, and you spend a crap ton of time together. You're a family. So they're going to irritate you. The thing to remember is that you love them...even when they're in the midst of annoying the hell out of you.**

*I mean, hopefully.
**This is obviously much easier said then done.

My fears about studio living

Don't get me wrong. I am JAZZED about moving into my little studio.
But I have some worries.
So I'm making a list. *

1. I am not a neat person. My husband is. This has already caused several sessions of energetic discussions in our marriage. In an apartment with no doors, I'm afraid my messiness will get out of control. The flip side is, this might cause me to be neater...

2. We currently have a dishwasher. We are moving to an apartment with no dishwasher. I'm the type of person who can (and has) leave dishes sitting in the sink for a week. I'm also not as through a dishwasher as my engineering husband.

3. Storage. I like stuff. I have a lot of tchotchkies and stuffed animals and photos. I want to make our apartment feel grown up and pretty and not like a college dorm. I'm just not sure how to achieve that.


Mainly, I'm worried about the neatness and the stuff. I mean, we are definitely getting  rid of a ton of furniture before we move, and I'm excited about using the porch as a second living area** but I'm worried about containing my "ness" without making it feel like I'm cleaning all the time.

Susannah do you have any older and wiser thoughts? :)

Susannah here! Since we both love lists, let me move through the thoughts numerically.  But I'm not any older or wiser!  Just been squished in a smaller space for a teensy bit longer.

1.  For the record, I have the same problem! My husband is kiiiiind of a neat freak.  And by kind of, I mean he can't sit down and relax until the apartment is reasonably picked up.  Which drives me crazy because then he can't relax with me on my time table.  In my mind, the cleaning could happen later. Or tomorrow. Or any other time than relaxing time.

(As a small side note, I have a few personal areas of neat-freak-ness.  I have to have a clean bathroom. Must have. It's weird, I know.)

The short (hah) version is the smaller apartment has helped me figure out the areas where I need personal work, areas I can happily take care of, and areas where it's just better if I don't do that.  I have learned -- it was hard at first -- that sometimes Matthew needs to pick up around the apartment for 10 minutes before sitting down for a movie or to hang out with me. edit: Anthony's the same way.  And he has learned that he's just always going to have to help me change the sheets because I hate doing it.  At the same time, he knows the bathroom will always be clean...buuuttt I won't guarantee those dishes won't sit there for a few days until I feel good and ready to wash them.  As for the rest of it...we're working on it. And it's a good learning experience for us. 


2.  If he cares so much about the dishes, why not trade something?  For example, what if you promise -- and you'll have to follow through -- to always clean out the drain or do the laundry or keep a room picked up if he'll almost always take care of the dishes?  If that's not a good way for you, then...maybe it's helpful to know that I find dishes much more enjoyable late at night.  I can think and listen to the tv in the background and it gives me something to do while Matthew works in the evenings. That was our first thought too...to have it be a trade. We fear we'll just end up resenting each other if one of us always does a certain chore. But hey! We're working on it too :)


3.  Shelves and walls!  Since studios are so tiny, your best unexplored storage space is on your walls!  We put in shelves above the couch.  I already had some next to the bed.  I use the space on top of my "kitchen" cabinets to store things like canned food and foil.  The space on top of my free-standing shelves is my "display space" for my "stuffs."  If that's not enough space for your things, then I'll let you in on a secret my mother once told me: if you rotate all the little things, they seem like new every time and you don't get tired of them.  You could store some of it, display some of it, and rotate some of the things in a few months or a year or so. 


You can do this!  Another cleaning tip I've heard that helps me sometimes: set a timer for 10 minutes and clean with the fury of one of those superwives that always seems to have a clean house, a well-fed husband, and loud-and-happy children.  Just 10 minutes. Then go relax.  Later in the evening, clean or pick up for 10 more minutes. Shorter increments make picking up easier to handle.  Or, if a Gilmore Girls marathon is on and you simply can't tear yourself away, clean during commercials! 


Hope my silly-person ideas are helpful!

*Since we're going to be spending a lot of time together you should know: I LOVE lists. And office supplies. They make me happy.
**Obviously, this will work best in the summer time, but I'm hopeful that I can find a fall/winter solution as well.