when you don't have time

As some of you may know, the hubby and I don't get as much time together as most newlyweds. He works mostly evenings, and I work "typical" office hours during the day. I'm up early, he's home late. He used to be guaranteed Sundays off, but these days it seems like he never gets them, so there are no days in the week that we both have off at the same time.

However, I'm not throwing a pityparty.  This is what we have now and we're making it work.

In light of that, a few suggestions on spending time together when you don't have time, and making the most of what you have:

1.  Be awake. When the mister gets home after midnight, I do my best most nights to stay awake and wait up.  "That's crazy!" you say.  Well, yes. I'm up early for my own job, so why would I stay up until 1am?  The answer: because if I don't, we won't see each other. Hubby does the same; he wakes up for 10-15 minutes with me in the mornings before I head off to work, then falls promptly back to sleep.  If we weren't awake, we wouldn't get any time together. It'll make you tired, but for us, it's worth it.  And you know what? That's why God invented coffee. And weekends. And naps.

2.  Be present.  If you're only getting limited time together, you should be fully invested when you do get time.  Sitting and watching a movie is fantastic, but if you completely ignore each other all evening just to relax, you've let hours slip by that you can't get back. If you both happen to be home and need some time together, maybe the dishes or cleaning the bathroom or doing the laundry can wait.

3.  Make time. Can't say this enough.  If you want to see someone, make the time. Write it down, send text messages, create a schedule, brainstorm date night ideas, whatever it takes.

4.  Communicate.  Seems silly, right? Of course you're going to communicate. Well, when you don't see someone, communication becomes more...screen-based: texts, gchat, email, phone, etc. It's not very fun (compared to face-to-face), but it's important.  Not speaking to your spouse all day, every day, isn't going to work out well.  Gentlemen, she won't like it and I doubt you will, either. And, no, seeing someone for 20 minutes a day is not enough communication.  Found this out really quickly.  For us, the 10 minutes in the morning that he can be awake and the 20 minutes in the evening before I doze off are not enough. Thus the importance of...

5. Date nights! Or date days. Or lunch dates. Or whatever works. Just do it. It's worth it.

I know not all of you have the same dilemmas we face.  Many married couples see each other every night and all weekend and are in the opposite boat of trying to make time for friends.  But for those of us who face opposite work schedules, I hope our ideas help! We're still learning, so if you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them!

xoxo Susannah

Confessions of the husband kind

We're big fans of marriage around this blog. We think it's pretty fun. It can also be pretty mysterious until you're in it and you're thinking to yourself "Why did no one TELL me that husbands are just as moody as my girl friends are?" (Fact.) Well, here at Newlywed Studio Living...we want to take the mystery out of marriage  (for the singles) and have a discussion about the crazy stuff our spouses do (for the marrieds)

Confessions of the husband kind:

1. My husband is neat. I am not. 

     Look. I understand I'm messy. I like to think it's because my mind is preoccupied with other things, but frequently it's that I just doesn't occur to me to wash the dishes until I need a dish. This is not the way my husband thinks. If this sink is full, it needs to be emptied. (I mean, he's not ocd about it, but when he can no longer use the faucet, it starts to bug him). Point is: Your husband has quirks just like you do. They might (read: will) drive you crazy, but you've got to learn how to deal with them.

2. The laundry.
Has anyone else noticed that the ammount of laundry you're doing has somehow tripled despite the fact that there is only one more additional person in the house? Maybe it's just me and my husband, but my lands, the laundry!

3. Exsperation, thy name is newlywed.
There is something about living with your significat other that is equal parts Disney wonderful and "My lands, who ARE you?"
It is wonderful when my husband and I cuddle on the couch and he strokes my hair to calm me down. (Yes, I am essentially a cat)
It is exasperating as heck when I explain to him that no, checking 6 books out from the library is not in fact a lot.
It is wonderful that he lifts heavy objects when we move. (I mean, I probably could...but it would be more difficult)
It is exasperating when we are moving/packing and I literally don't know what's going on (because he has a plan) and stand in a room saying "Tell me what you want me to do" (No joke, this happened at least a dozen times while we were recently moving)

Point is: Living with your love is AWESOME. Except there's this weird relationship where because you love them so much, they have the ability to annoy the hell out of you like no one else.
I think it has something to do with the sex......

4. Sex
This is not graphic. No dirty secrets shall be spilled here. (You have to get at LEAST two martinis in me before that happens ;) ) I will simply say this:
I am discovering that sex is important. It's important to have a lot of it. (I'm talking (ideally) at least every 48 hours here)
There's something about it that brings you closer* and makes you both happy** and your marriage...better.
It's kind of hard to explain. Just do it. Pun fully intended.

*Duh, right?
**Again, duh.

On marriage.

Marriage is hard.
I say this a lot.
And it's not because I don't love my husband. I love him to death. He makes me giddy, and happy and he makes me feel so so loved. I think he might be the most amazing man I've ever known.
And I say that marriage is hard a lot (especially to my single, longing to be married friends) because I feel like it's important to be honest about marriage. There's still a perception that getting married is a fairy tale. That once your married your life is fun and romantic and giggly and just fantastic.
And parts of it (most of it even!)are.
But parts of it are days where the love of my life annoys the hell out of me.

So we're learning.

We're learning to fight cleanly.
Sometimes that means biting my tongue and NOT saying the witty but incredibly mean remark that pops into my head.

We're learning to fight openly.
Sometimes that means venting my emotions at him. We both yelled the other day in the car. This is remarkable because we try very hard to never yell at each other, and are mostly successful. It's important to fight cleanly, yes. But sometimes you can't be calm and clear. Sometimes, you just have to let your frustration out.

We're learning that making each other laugh during fights is the best thing in the world.
Oftentimes when we're arguing one of us will do something ridiculous or just veer off into another topic entirely. I'm sure it wouldn't work for most couples. But for us? It helps.

We're learning to be in close proximity, and touching, during fights.
It is very very hard for me to be mad at my husband when I'm holding his hand or hugging him. It takes away the anger and just leaves the issue.

But mainly we're practicing forgiveness. We fight sure, but two to five minutes after the fight, my husband has cracked a joke or I've said something wildly inappropriate and we're back to being us. Which to me, is what it's all about.

You're going to fight. It's normal. You live with this person, you have sex with this person*, and you spend a crap ton of time together. You're a family. So they're going to irritate you. The thing to remember is that you love them...even when they're in the midst of annoying the hell out of you.**

*I mean, hopefully.
**This is obviously much easier said then done.