On Name Changing.

No two ways about it.
This is a toughie.

I always thought I would change my name when I got married. Never even crossed my mind to consider othewise. When I would mention how difficult it was going to be to decide which names to keep (I have two middle names) when I changed my name, people would always say "Well, you can just keep your name" and I would say "No, I want to change it."

And I do. I can not stress that point enough. I love my husband, and I want to be Mrs. Hislastname.

And yet.

I haven't done it.

Legally changed my name I mean.

I didn't realize how attached I was to being Sarah French until I was about to give it up.

I mean, for one thing roughly half of the people I met during college still call me "Sarah French". I have never been Sarah, always Sarah French. I'm not even entirely sure how it came about, but it did stick. And while I realize changing my name isn't likely to change what they call me, it still resonated with me.

Also, (and I'm playing couch pyschologist now aren't you pschyed?!) it took me a really really long time to be happy with who I was. It took me a long time to like myself. And my name was part of that, and is still a part of me. Perhaps on some level, it feels like regression. Like taking my husband's last name (which is unquestionably prettier and more exotic then mine) is saying that I didn't like who I was, and was waiting for him to change me into someone I do like.

This is coming out badly, excuse me.

I guess it boils down to identity. And what I didn't realize was how much I idenitfy who I am with "Sarah French". I've been Sarah French for 26 years. That name has taken me to foreign countries, survived heartache I thought I would never recover from, saw both my parents go through major life threatening illness, and been shouted by friends (in both joy and not joy) more times then I can count.

And while I know intellectually that just because my name is changing it isn't changing who I am (let's get real, it's just a name, and if you met me during college, chances are good you're going to be calling me "SarahFrench" for the rest of our lives) it feels...big. Like it does mean I'm becoming someone brand new. Which is kind of fun, and kind of scary. Like I said, it took me a long long time to like who I am.

But after this weekend, I just feel a kind of peace about it. It's time. I'm ready.

And I finally came up with a solution about my myriad of name that makes me happy. Which is probably a large part of it too.

But if you ever address mail to me "Mrs. Anthony Hislastname" I might send it back to you.

Cause dude. I am "Sarah French Hislastname". Not an appendage.

Edit: I'm still working on the paperwork. But hey. At least I'm working on it?